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Through The Vast Unknown
Gary Parkinson | | | | | |
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"In the future, The Human League will be considered gods," says Julie.
"They already are as far as I'm concerned," says the other Julie.
"Apparently," Debbie sticks a Hula Hoop on her little finger and holds it
up, admiring it, "Apparently, in certain tribes of South American
Indians, Phil Oakey's used in mating rituals as a fertility symbol."
"He's a very handsome bloke," says Julie. She pops a pink marshmallow
into her mouth. "I saw him once."
The others look up. "You never," says Debbie. "Honestly, Julie, reality
has no meaning for you, does it?"
They're sprawled on Debbie's bed, listening to the new Human League album
that they've got out of the library.
"It's true. I was shopping in Sheffield. Somebody told me they had a good
Oxfam. But it was rubbish. All slacks and bootees and that. Nasty. I got
some good sunglasses though. Well, not from Oxfam. Off this little kid
that was stood outside. They didn't suit her, anyway."
"This one's brilliant," says the other Julie, reaching over to turn the
stereo up. It's `One Man In My Heart'. "Is this the next single? It's a
modern classic."
"So where's Phil Oakey come in?" says Debbie.
"He's not on this one. This is Suzanne Sulky singing on this one. Hasn't
she got a lovely voice? Like a young Hylda Baker."
"I'm not on about that," says Julie. "I'm talking about our Julie's
boring so-called story. When she supposedly met the god of synth pop.
Were you working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, Julie?"
"I was not. I was eating a Chorley cake on a bench. And he comes running
down the street with this woman chasing after him, throwing his big old
stilettos at his head. I think it was then I first fell in love with him.
He was quite a fast runner."
"You'd need to be. With that haircut. OMD were always better, anyway.
More intellectual."
"No way. OMD were just some sad accountants from Birkenhead who found a
Stylophone in a bin. The Human League actually invented the synthesiser.
I'm not sure if it wasn't that ginger haired one that even discovered
electricity." Julie pops another marshmallow in her mouth, then spits it
out onto the duvet. "Aagh! It's a white one! God! Yeuch! Quick. Get me a
pink one to take the taste away."
"You're thinking of John Foxx," says Debbie. "And photocopiers. He
invented photocopiers."
"He sings about Underpants," says Julie.
"Nowt wrong with that," says the other Julie. "There's things about
underpants that you can only say in song."
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