Know Your Hiztory
Part Two

Stupid Spanish Tart

Honeyz's first single "Gamble On Me" was released in 1994 in a blaze of publicity.  All was going well until an expose in The Sun claimed that on their first performance on TOTP, while Oon and Honey were singing about endless love, Sister Disco was clearly drunk and inserting words like "widdle" and "bum" between each line and mumbling incoherently about Roger Daltrey.  The nation gasped, and wore out the rewind buttons on their video recorders. The Sun was later vindicated in its claim, as they always are, when a disgruntled BBC employee released un-broadcast footage of Sister Disco burping, falling off her silver stool, and giving her knickers to George Michael. The dream was over.

Honeyz were disbanded in a panic, the name to be taken up by some disreputable spin-off copyists, and Showcaff Inc. was in disarray.  Sister Disco fled back to Spain in disgrace, and became a stripper who did it in three different languages.

By this time, in her continuing campaign to stardom, Starry Sarah had got in touch with Mr Trousers, threatened him with a knife, and been signed up on Showcaff's books to replace the disgraced Disco. In several desperate attempts to recoup his losses, Mr Trousers recast his belles in increasingly cynical attempts to corner the market: first as an Irish denim-clad girl band "B*Whipped", then as a Diana Ross tribute band "The Soup Tureens".  Apart from a brief top 50 hit as B*Whipped with "Go on, go on, go on, go on", all these attempts proved useless and in 1997 Showcaff Inc. filed for bankruptcy.

The Many Faces of Mr Trouser's Pop Creations
The video for Honeyz's first
single "Gamble On Me"
The girls doing
their best in B*whipped
Oon, Starry and Honey
as The Soup Tureens"


Stars Still In Their Eyes

Oon, Starry and Honey were in despair. Honey's father stopped her allowance.  While Oon spent her days at the roulette wheel, Honey tried to make ends meet by working as a backing dancer on the UK TV impersonators show "Stars In Their Eyes".  It was there her luck changed.  One night, she was avoiding Matthew Kelly and despondently rehearsing for a certain Mr Christopher Leonard's abortive first appearance as Elvis(*), when she spotted a young Marilyn Monroe look-a-like checking the underground air-vents before her performance. Honey immediately recognised her as one-time country singer "Sezah" and on returning home to their flat, was surprised to hear of Starry's vigourous correspondence with Sezah, mainly conducted via Interpol.  Nevertheless, Sezah was prepared to let bygones be bygones, and soon the four of them were close friends who lent each other milk.  Meanwhile Pookie, who had lost her job due to an unfortunate incident with an amourous moose, had moved over to London to be with her pen-pal, and the stage was set for a new beginning.

(*)  Christopher went on of course to win the 1999 Stars In Their Eyes final as Stephen Pastel, although everyone thought he was doing Johnny Cash. Rumours of his only getting on the programme by pulling strings with an organiser called Elisabeth were grossly overstated. Honey was subsequently awarded the role as Mr Chris's personal assistant for loyalty and sheer endurance.  Mr Christopher of course now masterminds the Sleeka Sounds Corporation.

Stars In Their Eyes
Honey doing her best for Mr Chris Leonard's
first performance in "Stars In Their Eyes"
Sezah's winning "Stars In Their
Eyes" performance, 1997


Droolz is Born

One day, Honey got a call from a cafe in London.  It was Pam, the Nashville star, friend of Sezah's and acquaintance of the disgraced Mr Trousers.  The three voices at the other end of the phone trilled with excitement.  "Honey", said Pam, "we've had this great idea, we want to form a girl band and call it Droolz!". "It was Mr Trouser's idea and he's here!" chipped in Sezah, grabbing the receiver. "Mr Trousers... surely... it can't be the same Mr...?" thought Honey as she filed her nails thoughtfully. Sure enough, there could be only one Mr Trousers who could set the hearts of two girls on fire like that.  Honey went back to the flat excitedly, fired with enthusiasm, and the next day the four girls turned up at Mr Trousers velvet-clad sex-pad and set to work with Pam and Sezah.  Droolz was born.

That summer the girls and Mr Trousers worked ceaselessly perfecting their style, while Dr Damon cleaned the fridge and fetched mascara. Realising this time he had hot property on his hands, Mr Trousers forked out thousands on a proper back-team, enlisting the help of Andy Warhol associate Holly Woodlawn as strict wardobe mistress, Scarlet Erica as much-needed makeup and hair artiste, and as lighting and stage manager the mysterious Miss Lixi who was rumoured to have foregone a career as a supermodel on the bizarre pretext that she didn't like squirrels . Droolz released their first single "Dog On Heels" soon after, a touching soul ballad about a scottie dog all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Wardrobe mistress
MIss Holly
Hair and Makeup
by Miss Scarlet
Supermodel Miss Lixi with her
toolbox: stage
management and lighting

Mr Trouser's first stroke of genius was to clever manipulate the British Music Industry's "Brit Awards" that same summer.  By the ingenious use of telepathy, he managed to hype Droolz to the number one spot for Best Newcomer, a fact not unnoticed by the cheap Abba rip-off "Belle and Sebastian" and their manager Neil Waterman; they subsequently struck back with a supposed pastiche of Droolz's first single, the preposterous "Dog On Wheels", but the joke fell flat.  Sponsorship deals started rolling in and for Droolz the world of superstardom now beckoned.

Pam and Honey at the Brits
accepting their award
Clip from the "Dog
On Heels" video
"Droolz Dribblez"
Adidas sponsorship deal


On To Part Three: "Bowlie Bulldozd"