The Artist Formerly Known as Splat (And Still Called The Same, But With An Exclamation Mark)

Hi! I'm Splat! I live with Honey and Linda and I'm going to be a pop star. Here's a picture of me yesterday:

She's the feline pop sensation!
She's the voice of our Rhythm Nation!
Even better than a Playstation!
She's the Queen of the Groove Generation!

[Note to members of the press and copy editors: Splat! wishes to issue formal notice that her name has changed. Formerly known as simply "Splat", she has added a "!" as befits her new high-profile media status, and as a useful Derridean signifier of the dichotomy between public exclamation and personal nomenclature inherent in her ongoing process of self-labelling and reinvention.]

I'm proud to announce I've recorded my first mini-LP with help of studio maestro DJ Mr Kevan Cooke, and you can hear it below. It's called "Splatattack!: The Gospel Of Pop According To Splat!".

The Birth Of A Star

Here's how it all started. Honey recorded me meowing pathetically one day waiting for my tea in front of my saucer, and put the sample on the web and that's when the trouble started. One morning not many moons later, The Fragrant Princess Honey was arising in her fragrant palace of ice, wiping the sleep from her eyes and opening a tin of my favourite catfood (sardines, mmm) when a package went P!L!O!P! on her doorstep - what's this! A trusty servant ushered it into her sweaty but still delicate and fragrant hands. This package contained a mysterious unmarked CD containing the songs you are about to hear. It took months to piece together the mystery, and collar the culprit of these misdemeanours, the aforementioned DJ Mr Kevan Cooke Sir. Princess Honey decided the world should hear such musical wonders, so popped them on to her computer posthaste. So here, presented for the first time is:

Splatattack!: The Gospel Of Pop According To Splat!

It's much more fun to listen to these before knowing what they're called. You are therefore legally bound to click on the links to listen first before highlighting the text between the brackets after "Title:" to find out if you're right. It works on *most* browsers. OK, so you can cheat, but try not to see the obvious clue when listening. Splat! is watching you.

Those looking for "content" (you'll know what I mean if you know what I mean) may choose to skip straight to track 6.

Title: ["Father And Son" (Boyzone etc.)]
The classic song by someone or other that a UK boy band covered.

Title: ["I Love Rock And Roll" (Joan Jett)]
Hey Joan, Splat! does too!

Title: ["Wichita Lineman" (Jimmy Webb: Glen Campbell etc.)]
Thanks to David Moore's cat Tina, with whom Splat! is now involved in a passionate torrid sapphic affair, we now know what this is! Crack the whip, Splatty!

Title: ["Beautiful Stranger" (Madonna)]
Splat! now knows what this song is called, thanks to the aforementioned sexy Tina. She thinks the singer's a cow anyway because she looks better in a breastplate than her. Showbiz fact: the aforementioned singer can't sing as well as this.

Title: ["The Girl From Ipanema" (Astrud Gilberto etc.)]
Doo, bee doo, doo-doo doo doo... yes it's Splat! in that sexy samba swing mood...

Title: ["Is It Wicked Not To Care" (Belle and Sebastian)]
Splat! pretending to be twee, but revealing her roots deep in UK club culture. You can't keep her out of a boob tube. Just try.

Title: [Oh, come on you KNOW this one...]
This one's a special! Dj Kevan Sir Kevan Sir has provided an outtake of a study session of this Ultimate Pop Song on his own SplishSplosh site. Wait til you see the video, Splat! in school uniform, mrrrrrrrrrowwwww.

Please note that if you download MP3's, your mission is to put them on file sharing networks. Call them anything you like, like "Belle and Sebastian Unreleased Demos - The Boy With The Arab Splat", but make sure you include the word "Splat". If anyone does download a Splat! song from you mail Splat! and tell her! She'll be awfully pleased.

All praise to sampler maestro Mr Sir DJ Kevan Cooke Sir Mr Sir! The music is all his work and has very little to do with Honey or Splat! (apart from vocals of course).